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The Microsoft Commandments

Submitted by Roy Schestowitz on Monday 13th of May 2019 04:07:26 PM Filed under
Humor

Microsoft B0rg

  1. Thou shalt not host a FOSS project outside GitHub (otherwise it won’t ‘count’)
  2. Thou shalt not edit code without Visual Studio (which now has an “open” — albeit spying and malicious — component for openwashing purposes)
  3. Thou shalt not code without .NET (or Mono)
  4. Thou shalt not use a voting machine without Windows (we have just announced some openwashing component to make up for the NSA back doors that compromise elections worldwide)
  5. Thou shalt not boot GNU/Linux as a standalone operating system (UEFI might not permit this anyway, unless we sign for approval)
  6. Thou shalt not get get a GNU/Linux distribution outside our Store
  7. Thou shalt not buy a computer without Windows preinstalled; those are “naked PCs” and everyone who buys such PCs is a “pirate”
  8. Thou shalt not disparage or even publicly criticise our staff (that would be in violation of GitHub rules, a Code of Conduct, T&C and so on)
  9. Thou shalt not report back doors in our software or leak NSA tools that take advantage of these (there’s a prison sentence for doing so)
  10. Thou shalt not write in mass media things that refute our narrative (proving that we are chronic liars); we would bribe the publication using advertising money and have you sacked
  11. Thou shalt not use open formats such as OpenDocument except inside Microsoft Office, which is incompatible with all other software (by design)
  12. Thou shalt not distribute Linux without paying Microsoft for patents; we’re still suing companies (in 2019) for having the audacity to do so
  13. Thou shalt not host a site or a service outside Azure; we'd sic patent trolls at you
  14. Thou shalt not oppose Microsoft’s lock-in and proprietary software shims inside Linux; we’d send our media partners (Condé Nast) to oust you, at least for a month if not permanently
  15. Thou shalt not report our crimes to the authorities; doing so would make you a “toxic”, “intolerant” person
  16. Thou shalt not use the GPL unless all other options have been exhausted
  17. Thou shalt not adopt a Web browser other than MSIE or our rebranded Chrome, also known as Edge; we’d occasionally tinker with your computer’s settings to remind you to quit using other browsers or refuse the download of such “malware”
»

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