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The Intrepid Investigator Report -- Sniffing Powdered Ubuntu CDs Cures Cancer!

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Humor

The Intrepid Investigator

Ubuntu Cures Cancer
by reporter Ursula Upton
filed: 16 March 2007 at 13:52.

Yes, it's a genuine miracle. In a scientific study by reputable scientists Borg Benderle and Lamer DiDiot (both affiliated with Shuttlecock University), the study found that sniffing powdered Ubuntu CDs brings about a dramatic reduction in the size of cancer tumors.

In an interview of both scientists conducted Thursday by the "Intrepid Investigator", Benderle said, "The study took hours. To our vast surprise, we found that powdered Ubuntu CDs immediately brought about remission of cancer in human beings to the point that the patients were cancer free."

Benderle added, "We also tested other powdered CDs, such as Red Hat, SUSE, PCLinuxOS, Mandriva, Mepis, and Linux Mint. Sadly, those powdered CDs were only effective against laboratory animal tumors, and didn't work on humans. After all, as Ubuntu has claimed: 'Ubuntu is the Linux for Human Beings'."

DiDiot then chimed in, "Linux Mint CDs did cause a small reduction in tumor size in humans, but weren't as effective as the powdered Ubuntu CDs. That's probably because powdered Linux Mint CDs are very similar to Ubuntu's."

When asked about the efficacy of sniffing powdered Microsoft Windows CDs, DiDiot replied, "We haven't tested sniffing powdered Microsoft Windows CDs yet, but we're both sure that they will be effective. After all, MS Windows is the most popular OS out there. And the TCO [total cost of ownership] will be less because there are tons of MS Windows CDs just laying around."

However, your Intrepid Investigator contacted Microsoft's Steve Ballmer who said, "We own patent rights to all CD powdering processes, and anyone who intends to cure their cancer by sniffing any kind of CDs must pay a royalty to Microsoft prior to taking even one single whiff."

Last minute news flash:
Your Intrepid Investigator has received a secret email from Didiot to Benderle that says, in part, "...we must hide the fact that that the *MS Windows* CD sniffing tests showed an *increase* in cancer tumor size in both animals and humans ...".

Following up on this, your Intrepid Investigator phoned DiDiot for comment. DiDiot denied that she ever sent an email containing such a comment and reiterated that the study did not include the sniffing of MS Windows CDs. She added, "But I'm sure that Microsoft does deserve a royalty for every sniffed powered CD, and will probably be using a shill corporation like EssSeeOh to file lawsuits against anyone who sniffs powdered CDs without first paying the royalty and authorizing the sniffing from Microsoft Corp. It's my understanding that Microsoft is setting up a website for this called 'CD Sniffing Advantage' (www.mssniftcdlicense.com)."

Stick around for more analysis in the next publication of the Intrepid Investigator.

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In the United States an estimated 2000 to 3000 new cases of mesothelioma are diagnosed each year. Approximately three fourths of these cases start in the chest cavity and are called pleural mesotheliomas. Another 10% to 20% begin in the abdomen and are called peritoneal mesotheliomas. Lastly, those that start in the lining around the heart arc called pericar­dial mesotheliomas, but these are extremely rare.

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